Trip Like I Do

Siam

I had to take my cat Siam to the vet today.  Poor guy.  He had been missing for a couple of days and when he finally came out yesterday, well, he wasn’t doing well.  I don’t think he had eaten in about a week and was painfully thin.  I was really worried i was going to have to put him down, but he’s a lot better now.  He still isn’t eating much, but he has medicine to take. 

But we shall see tomorrow.  I guess i am really not ready for him to go yet.

July 20, 2011

Vacatation’s Over

Today’s my last day of vacation and I’m sad.  It literally took me a week to relax and now I’m at that point where I feel like I want to do stuff around the house and I have to go back to work in the morning.   Ugh. 

For one thing, I have no idea how I’m going to get up.  No idea.  I’ve been trying to get up earlier these past few days and haven’t been as successful as I would have liked.  

I just need a new job already.   I’m just so unhappy where I am right now.   So unhappy.   But , I also have no confidence in myself, so that makes job hunting a little difficult sometimes too.  

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July 17, 2011

Soooooooo Tired

I am so damn tired today.  I don’t get it.  I went to bed at a semi-decent (for me) hour last night, but I am still so exhausted.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t been working out for the last couple of weeks.  I just don’t know.

I had the oddest dream this morning too.   I hit my snooze button more than a few times, each time waking up and wishing I was lying next to someone and right when I finally decided to get up, I fell asleep again.  I got up 15 minutes later and in that short window, I dreampt I was in some karaoke bar.  Then Lady Gaga came out and everyone stood up and started to synchronize dance.  What was even odder was that an old buddy of mine went up on stage and was the most enthusiastic dancer of all.

That was weird.  

But now I’m just so tired.  So very, very tired.  

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July 8, 2011

53 Days

I’m so tired right now that I can’t sleep.   I’m at that point of exhaustion where even if I close my eyes, my mind is still racing with thoughts that I just can’t sleep.  

I know I must be in rough shape.   I hardly got any sleep last night. I got into work this morning and before I even mentioned it, my co-worker suggested I take next week off.    

Man, I must have looked completely beat up.   It also probably didn’t help that when my boss came in, she gave me a stack of work that was about 4inches high.  I saw that and I just started tearing up.    I was surprised I didn’t have over 100 emails today though.  I only had 89 and that was most likely because my inbox was over capacity.   Yikes. 

I checked with the HR department and I found out I have 53 days of vacation.   53 days.  Holy fuck.   I had no idea.  Funny thing is that I was talking to a friend of mine last night and mentioned how I wanted to take next week off and then my co-worker told me the same thing. 

My co-worker also told me that I should get away and travel somewhere.   She knows how stressful it is for me to be at home a lot of times too.   I don’t know.   Maybe I’ll take a short trip to one of the neighbor islands later this year.   Just something for me to get away.  

I just really wish I had someone to hold me right now.

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July 6, 2011

Tonight

I’ve just been feeling incredibly frustrated and lonely tonight.   I am really dreading going in to work in the morning.  I refuse to check my work email on the weekends, so I am going to guess that I am going to have over 100 emails waiting for me.  Oh joy.   Well, I might be saved by my mailbox being full.  I don’t know.  We’ll see.

I just really need to take a break.   I really just need to get away, get away from all of this bullshit.  But I just don’t know if I could afford it right now.  There’s a possibility that our pay might get cut at work and our insurance premiums might go up.  We just don’t know yet.  Plus, there are things around the house that need to get done, but I still don’t know if I should spend the money on these things.   I still need/would like new furniture, but whenever I think about it, I keep asking myself if it’s worth it.  Am I going to be staying here long enough where it would make a difference?  I really don’t know.  I really didn’t think I was going to be here as long as I have in the first place.  But like always, I feel stuck here.  Either because of finances or because I just don’t have the balls or confidence to get out there and try something different.  I’m just too insecure about my abilities to think that I could even make it somewhere else and be successful.

Shit.  I know I shouldn’t live with regret, but still, there are so many things I wish I had done differently in my life.  But it’s all in the past, all I can do is work on the future.  I just don’t know if I have the confidence/ability to do that though.

And I just feel lonely and disconnected again tonight.  Even though it’s hot and I feel so incredibly funky, (and not in a good way), I just really could use a hug right now.   Just something comforting.

I hate it when I get moody like this.  I just want to experience joy and happiness.  I just wish I could find that within myself one of these days.

July 5, 2011