Filed under: Whatever
I am so exhausted right now. I usually sleep in on Sundays to catch up on my sleep and I wasn’t able to do that this week because my boss wanted us to come in to help with this thing she puts on every year.
Would have been nice if she gave us a day off this week for doing that, but of course we won’t get a day off.
My tiredness really caught up with me today though. I was talking to a friend of my mom’s and it just really hit me about how much my mom really resented having children. I mean, it’s not something that’s I didn’t already know, but it really hit me this morning.
She apparently really resents me and my sister because she had to financially support us a parent when we were growing up.
I mean, I already knew that she really didn’t care for us, but knowing that she’s actually said that to someone else, well, it just really hit me and I started having a breakdown at work.
I think it’s one reason why I am always subconciously looking for someone, just anyone, who will actually care for me.
It’s also why I will put up with men treating me so poorly over the years, because I am just so starving for any kind of affection from anyone.
I just wish I knew how I could get over this and actually believe in myself. But it is really rough, really rough.
I mean, how do you believe in yourself when no one else has been able to?
And fuck, I’m crying again.
Posted from WordPress for Android
October 4, 2011
I’ve been feeling pretty lonely these last few days. I want to open myself up to people, but I’m just so afraid of what they’ll think of me, I just can’t do it. I just wish some people would just be honest with me and tell me how they feel, but tours not happening either. Either because they don’t care or just don’t have feelings for me. I don’t know.
What I wouldn’t give for a hug right now or just someone to cuddle with.
September 28, 2011
I’ve been in such a bad mood these last few days. I don’t know why. It’s not quite that time of month for me, so I’m not sure what use going on. I also do realize that my last post was a little bleak, but that was apparently the product of miscommunication.
But I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I think I was having an episode of depression, which got better after a few days. But now I’m in a bad mood.
I’ve been trying to get more sleep at night, but I’m not sure it’s working.
I just feel like I have no purpose in life right now. I don’t know what makes me happy, no idea what gives me a sense of accomplishment anymore.
September 15, 2011
First of all, let me start by saying that yes, I do have PMS.
Secondly, I feel like I should be used to the hurt and dsiappointment by now, but you know what? Nope, I’m still not used to it and it still hurts.
I guess I thought there was something more there than there really was and it still fucking hurts.
So now, I need to steel myself again, put on my happy face and pretend that I’m stronger than I really am – again.
Posted from WordPress for Android
August 26, 2011
I wish I knew what I was feeling right now. Even after all this time, I am just not sure if my feelings for someone are genuine, or just hopeful fantasies due to loneliness. It would really help if they could also open up to me a bit, but I don’t know if they are as scared as I am, or just don’t care.
I’m trying to open myself up more, but I’m always afraid that the other person will just lose interest because it does take me so long to open up to anybody. Which I think is happening now and that makes me a bit sad.
I’ve also been trying to be a bit of a realist and I keep reminding myself that the likelihood of this working out are pretty slim, but I still like to hope. I mean, I certainly am not going to go batshit crazy if this doesn’t work out, but it’s not like I’m going to be ecstatic if it doesn’t.
I just need him to make a move since I waaaaay too chickenshit to do it myself.
August 7, 2011
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