Posting
I haven’t been posting much lately, obviously. I just haven’t been in the mood lately.
I started to get pretty depressed right before Thanksgiving actually – depressed about Tom and depressed about my current living situation.
I am not sure what I can do right now to alleviate it either. I got some relief over the summer by doing some creative things, but I just haven’t been motivated to do anything creative lately. I’ve been wanting to paint, but it’s a little difficult without a workspace and also because I don’t like to work in front of my Mom or Grandma because of their unnecessary criticism.
I’ve been reading a lot of blogs by incredibly crafty ladies this past week – hoping for some inspiration. It is inspiring, but also depressing. I see all of these neat things that I can try and then it also gets depressing when I see just how incredibly talented these women are and how I wish I could be half as good as these ladies are.
I also haven’t been exercising much – lots of reasons for that. I’ve been really tired lately and some nights I would just get caught up reading about stuff on the web, that it would just be too late for me to work out. Then there is also the discouragement that comes along with working out a lot and not losing any weight. I know a lot of it, well probably most of it, comes from my diet, but I don’t know how to change things up – especially since my Mom is addicted to greasy foods and gets take out a lot. Then my Grandma also pushes food on me sometimes – like she’ll make something and ask me if I want half. Most of the time, I am just not hungry when that happens so I’ll tell her no. Then she’ll ask again and I’ll say no, but a lot of times I just feel like grabbing whatever she is trying to push on me and just smash it into my face and tell her “There?! Happy Now?” I also get extremely annoyed with her if I ever make a snack and bring out in the living room to eat. My Grandma will not let me sit down without asking me what I have and she will not be satisfied with an answer unless I plainly show whatever it is I am eating to her. I’ll tell her and then ask if she wants some, but she usually makes a face like whatever I am eating is completely unappetizing and say no. I wish she would just leave me alone in that regards a lot of times.
I feel so stuck in my life right now. I want things to change, but I am completely clueless as to how to change things. I get ideas about how I can make my life better, but then my self doubt creeps in and it makes me feel so hopeless that I never actually change things.
I just get so damn frustrated with my life, but feel so paralyzed with the fear of failure that I feel incapable of actually doing anything that will help me out of my situation.
1 Comment December 6, 2006
